Why I love not being in love

Sophrosyne - (noun) Greek. A healthy state of mind, characterised by self-control, moderation, and a deep awareness of one's true self, and resulting in true happiness.

We are living in a society today where it is increasingly acceptable to be on your own; whether you're raising children as a single parent, put your career ahead of starting family, or just enjoying the single life. We're taking strides towards creating a world where every individual's wants, needs, and decisions are being appreciated and not judged.

However it can be hard watching other people's stories unravel around you and not to feel like you're missing out...

Wishful thinking

Scrolling through social media, my newsfeed always seems to be plastered with school mates who are in long term relationships, getting engaged and starting their families. Everyone around me, my friends and family, are all loved up, and I am not. Nor have I ever really been. "I'm a lone wolf" as Julie Walters (Rosie) in Mamma Mia so eloquently phrased it.

I always thought that I wanted a relationship. To find the one that makes me laugh, showers me with affection, puts up with my trantrums, and helps me through my rough periods. Someone that I could ring when I needed an ear to listen, to wipe away my tears when I cried, and congratulate me for every triumph. To see their name above a notification on my phone and feel that warm, glowing, fulfilled sensation in my heart. I wanted what other people had. The person who would be my person. You know?

I was under the illusion your finding that one true love is what provides you with the ultimate happiness. After-all, what is good is having everything if you have no one to share it with?

But, woaaahhhh - how untrue that has proven to be...

I've been single for most of my adult life - and yes, I know I am only 21 so that doesn't prove to be very long - BUT being unattached and uncommitted has taught me a lot over the years...

Learn to be your own happiness

I like knowing that I don't have to depend on anyone else to make me happy.

Its good to learn what you can do to give yourself that deep-rooted, heartfelt joy, whether you find this in learning new hobbies, excelling in something your passionate about, or climbing the ladder of success.

During my down-days, I like to tidy or reorganise my room, light candles, and dress up. I'm not talking fancy dress, but a full face of makeup, hair sitting pretty, and a cute outfit. I look at myself in the mirror, feel like I have my shit together, and know that I am ready to take on the world.

"You can't love anyone else until you love yourself"

While I do call bull on the literal meaning of the saying, there is some truth to it.

"You can't love anyone else until you love yourself"

Loving yourself is by no means easy, and you don't have to be your own biggest fan in order to find love with another; but some sort of self-knowledge is needed.

What makes you tick? What are your strengths and your weaknesses? What do you want?

Relationships don't work if you expect your partner to make you happy when you don't know how to yourself. It's an unfair weight that people bear on their other halves, and if the relationship were to fall apart, what are you left with?

Love is all around

You know that warm, glowing, fulfilled feeling you get in your heart that I mentioned before? That doesn't just come from having a partner, you can find that in others too.

  • Family... When you receive a text from your parents telling you how proud they are. Or when your little niece or nephew runs over and embraces you in a bearhug. Although typically familial love should be unconditional, some of us aren't always that lucky. But, silver-linings... the little messages of appreciation and gratitude you do receive will become all the sweeter.

  • Best friends... We all have that one friend, who we have no idea how or when the relationship started, but you know you could never again live without. Just being in their company is enough for you. You FaceTime for hours without purpose, and tag each-other in random memes. You know them better than you know yourself; they're the first person you call with the slightest bit of news, and you can not imagine a day without them.

I for one, can confidently say that my two best friends are my soul-mates. I can't put in to words how much they mean to me, and how highly I think of them. I feel a duty of protection towards them, and an overwhelming pride because of how lucky I am to be blessed with their company. Even the slightest thought or memory fills me with pure delight; after-all, friends are the family that we choose. They don't have a duty to love you, they just do.

  • Pets... ever sat in bed, feeling a bit sorry for yourself, and your pet struts over and nudges your face with their little head? Or follows you around the house in pursuit of cuddles? When you get out of the car and they race over to you on the street, welcoming you home? Granted, our pets rely on us for food, water, and love, but I don't think they're given enough credit for the emotional support they provide us. There's nothing that a furry friend can't fix!

I like my own space

I like sleeping alone, spread eagle, hugging my pillow and cocooned in duvet.

I like not having to wear skimpy pyjamas that look good but aren't practical.

I like watching TV in bed and going to sleep on my own accord, and waking up whenever I like.

I like doing things at my own pace, taking time for myself, and being in my own little bubble.

I like being as careless and free as I please.

I make decisions to do things that I want to do; I can go out where-ever I want, do what-ever I want, with whom-ever I want. I am my primary concern and I've learnt to enjoy that.

Admittedly, I often wonder how nice to must be to fall asleep next to the one that you love at night, and wake up next to the same familiar face in the morning. For someone to accept and adore every fibre of your being; at your highs and your lows, made up and dressed down, poised and overwrought.

But I have learnt to accept that in myself.

Sometimes I roll out of bed, walk over to my mirror - hair piled on-top my head, the previous night's skincare residue giving my face an oily sheen, oversized top and baggy shorts - and think "good thing I'm single!" But the reality of it is, when I do get to that stage in a relationship, (I would hope that) they'd love

me in all states, morning breath, pillow lines, scruffy hair and all.

And the reason why I love not being in love

Being single doesn't mean that you have to take on the world on your own; It just means that you can live a bit more carelessly and vivaciously, explore and experience things that you couldn't with a partner, and have more room to grow.

It's often used as a negative connotation, but its really quite the opposite; embrace it. You never know, you could find that perfect somebody tomorrow, so live it up whilst you can.

Although I do hope to find that time-stopping, heart-warming, unwavering fairytale love, I am in no rush.

Why force myself to feel things that I don't, or worry that someone may not feel the same way?

I am hand-on-heart confident that if I were to die tomorrow (touch wood that I don't!), I would have lived a fulfilled and happy life. I may not have experienced romantic love, but I have loved and been loved nonetheless.

My advice?

  • Take each day as it comes.

  • Create your own happiness.

  • Never doubt that love is all around.

  • And when the time comes, don't be afraid to bare your heart and soul. Be vulnerable and share the naked truth. Allow yourself to fall for them as they do the same. It'll be worth the wait.

Until next time,

Abby x


Hi, thanks for stopping by!

I'm Abby..

  • a receptionist 

  • a makeup and beauty addict 

  • a fabulous car DJ 

  • a bad luck charm

  • a chronic over-sharer  

  • a mental health advocate 

  • a lover of old and rare words 

  • a girl with a lot of love to give and a lot of stories to tell

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